Workplace Friendships

Does friendship happen in the workplace?   My answer is based on what I know to be true, from reading about workplace friendships and experiencing workplace friendships.  My answer is no.

A few years ago, I found a temporary, part time job to supplement my income. Before my first day on the job, I began planning how I would deal with co-workers.  The history I have had with co-workers focusing on personal issues rather than work issues made me anticipate that it would happen yet again.  So, I decided that I would begin this new job with a specific and calculated way of interacting with co-workers.  I would not get into personal conversations, I would not link up right away with any one coworkers, and I would not gossip with co-workers about the boss.

On the first day of work, I introduced myself to coworkers.  I made a point to smile, extend my hand, and speak about my background in the business.  If someone began to get personal, I did not answer the question.  I hoped that it would set the tone that I was about getting to work and not getting personal.  I was there to make money, not friends.  There is truth to that statement, even if you are a super friendly person who goes with the flow and answers every question asked of you.  Eventually, it is revealed which coworkers are truly a friend, just friendly, or are not friendly at all to you.   I made a conscious choice to be in control of placing coworkers in a clearly defined box.  You are a coworker.  We will interact during work hours for work purposes. 

Although I was assigned to shadow a coworker, I did not want to blur lines between learning the business from the coworker and being friends with the coworker.  There would be personal chats.  I kept it about business, using friendly tones to discuss what the policies and procedures were and how they made sense in the everyday work flow.

It was tempting to listen to gossip about people on the job, but I had to walk away when I heard the gossiping commence.  I did not want the reputation of being a gossip and find my name involved in some office scandal.  One type of gossip that was to be avoided at all costs was gossip about the boss.  I did not want my name to be attached to malicious, ugly words that were meant to belittle the boss.  Even if I sat around and listened, my name could be mentioned along with the gossip.  As most gossip gets back to the person spoken about, the boss would not care if I was the one speaking the gossip or listening to the gossip.  Either way, I would seem like a bad employee. 

My experiment in office friendships ended well.  I learned about the industry and had a great relationship with the boss.  He asked me to return after the assignment was completed.  The coworkers who seemed to be genuinely decent people, I kept in touch with.  After some time, I felt comfortable getting personal with one person.  I found no joy in gossiping about other coworkers, we were busy enjoying the discovery of things we had in common.  We discovered that we both had common life experiences in July, having to do with a sibling, in the same year.  I do not believe that we would have been able to maintain a healthy friendship while working together.  What do you think about workplace friendships?

Making a List, Checking it Twice

I feel better after Wednesday, when I was frustrated at myself for not being able to complete a goal list for the first of the month.  After writing about what I thought was bothering me, I took a hot shower from head to toe, and unblocked my mind.  Before the clock struck midnight, I was able to produce a list.

Sometimes, we have to take a moment and focus on what we are doing.  It sounds so easy to do yet it is a difficult thing to do.  To really sit down in silence.  Unplug the laptop, power down the iPhone, music off, refusal to speak to friends, and even ignoring the carrier pigeon that is pecking on the window. Tap tap.  Tap tap.   Fly away, son.  Some people will keep trying to reach you when you do not immediately answer the text they sent.  They will escalate the methods to reach you.  When you finally respond, asking what the heck (I said something not so PG-13) they want, they say something totally stupid like “I didn’t hear from you so I didn’t know what was up”…with what?...”nothing really”…so why did you blow my phone up?...”chill”…no, you chill.  Power off for real, stink face optional.

To figure out what is bothering me, I sit quietly.  All electronics off, no sounds from anything.  I even bribed the pigeons to put the tapping on hold.

I take deep breaths.  I began to relax with some stretches.  I stretched by looking up to the ceiling, chin up and then looking down, chin to chest.  I then rotated my head slowly to the left and right.  Then a shoulder roll forward, a shoulder roll backward.  I kept going until I had stretched and loosened up my muscles.

I cleared my mind of all thoughts.  The desire was to have no concern about how I would word my feelings, I just wanted to know what the feelings were.  I had confidence that I could take a raw emotion and process it down to a business decision.  Like finding a piece of compressed carbon and polishing it until it is a sparkly, clear diamond.

When I felt ready, I let the feelings come out.  How did  I feel about what I was currently doing, where was it taking me, where did I want it to take me, what was an expected discomfort versus what was toxic on the job.  After the rough draft of my feelings poured out, I had something to work with.

My habit is to counter negative feelings with positive reinforcement.  What I mean by that is when I have something that is making me feel bad, down, tired, or any other negative feeling I like to do something to counter it.  For example, I was experiencing stress from feeling like I was not being heard so I decided to counter that feeling with speaking to colleagues in a support group.  To bounce ideas off of people who do the same work as you does wonders for your feelings.  It gives you clarity, you are not harshly judged because these people deal with the same situations that you do, and you feel lifted up.  You can speak freely and you can speak often.  You can find a shoulder to lean on and you can strengthen yourself for when you will be the shoulder to someone else.

After letting off the steam, I was ready to get myself stronger.  I called a friend that I trust to tell every dirty detail and we had a nice dinner.  She listened and let me speak uninterrupted.  She laughed with me.  She asked questions and provided me with wisdom from her own experiences. 

Needless to say, I am brand new after making my list, relaxing my mind, and speaking to my support group.  I will continue on the road to finding ways to bring myself closer to my goals. There is no way I want to let stress defeat me.  I am encouraged and I hope that I was able to encourage someone else.