Don't Be So Sensitive...

 Don't Be So Sensitive...: Seems like nowadays, there is an increased sensitivity people have when reading online comments.  The post can be innocent enough, but ther...

Don't Be So Sensitive...

Seems like nowadays, there is an increased sensitivity people have when reading online comments.  The post can be innocent enough, but there is the chance someone will find offense to a word written or a perceived tone to what was written.  I am conscious of the ability to offend even when I do not intend to offend.   I do not expect others to agree with me.  There is a part of me that believes that anyone can respectively post comments online and be respected in agreement or disagreement.  Reciprocity.  The pin that burst my bubble was a response to a comment I wrote on an online support group page.

Earlier this month I joined an online support group for healthcare workers.  I read the website articles and found them useful.  I clicked on tabs and found that the website offers community resources, referrals to local agencies, and an online support group.  I thought it was a great idea to join the online support group.  A place to share what we do, how we do it, tricks of the trade, and a place to safely vent.  That was the vision I had in my head of what the online support group would be like.

An anonymous profile person wrote a post about how he was going to travel with a loved one who was incontinent.  The person asked for tips from the support group.  I responded first.  I thought I provided good tips and ended the small paragraph with “happy travels”.  My day went on.  One notification later and I was being scolded for using a term that was deemed offensive.  The person scolding me was not the anonymous profile person, she was someone in the online support group.  She used caps and exclamation points.  I thought she went too far by writing a paragraph to correct me.  The post was asking for travel tips, not attack a word day.  Even when I stood by my word, acknowledging the offense and maintaining my use of a medical term, I felt like this person took it too far.

After the experience of unintentionally offending someone online, I learned that I should always feel comfortable posting online, I have no control over how other people read my post, and ultimately it is up to me to be respectful, thoughtful, and stand by my words.

I have to feel comfortable with how I express myself online.  There are words that I use from my background in healthcare.  There are words that I use when expressing happiness over a television show, Netflix series, and music artist.  There are times when the words are a serious tone, a lighthearted tone, a silly tone, and so many more tones.  Don’t get me started on emoticons.  Love em.  If someone finds offense with what I wrote, I have to be able to trust that I was appropriate to the topic when I expressed myself.  I have to know what my intention was and be comfortable with the tone in which I commented.  Most importantly, I  have to know when to apologize.

The people who read my posts will interpret the post with their own thought processes.  So many factors go into how someone can read a comment.  If the person has a great experience with the topic you post, they will likely have a great feeling after reading the comment.  Sometimes they will even give it a like.  If the person has a negative experience with the topic you post, they can reply with a rant about how what you said is wrong, stupid, or otherwise unlike.   There is no way I may plan on how to write a post that does not offend anyone.  How people read the post is out of my control.  I can control me.

When I post online, I try to use words and a tone that is respectful.  That is what I do.  I am not the type of person to just go in on a rude rant free for all, using words meant to hurt.  That is just not what I do in person or online.   With the online support group post, I wrote what I thought was helpful.  I wanted to let the anonymous profile person know there are products to buy and take along with him to make his trip as enjoyable as possible.  I stand by my words, my intention, and my ability to help a fellow healthcare worker.

I enjoy reading posts, comments, and replying with my thoughts. 

Workplace Friendships

 Workplace Friendships: Does friendship happen in the workplace?   My answer is based on what I know to be true, from reading about workplace friendships and exper...

Workplace Friendships

Does friendship happen in the workplace?   My answer is based on what I know to be true, from reading about workplace friendships and experiencing workplace friendships.  My answer is no.

A few years ago, I found a temporary, part time job to supplement my income. Before my first day on the job, I began planning how I would deal with co-workers.  The history I have had with co-workers focusing on personal issues rather than work issues made me anticipate that it would happen yet again.  So, I decided that I would begin this new job with a specific and calculated way of interacting with co-workers.  I would not get into personal conversations, I would not link up right away with any one coworkers, and I would not gossip with co-workers about the boss.

On the first day of work, I introduced myself to coworkers.  I made a point to smile, extend my hand, and speak about my background in the business.  If someone began to get personal, I did not answer the question.  I hoped that it would set the tone that I was about getting to work and not getting personal.  I was there to make money, not friends.  There is truth to that statement, even if you are a super friendly person who goes with the flow and answers every question asked of you.  Eventually, it is revealed which coworkers are truly a friend, just friendly, or are not friendly at all to you.   I made a conscious choice to be in control of placing coworkers in a clearly defined box.  You are a coworker.  We will interact during work hours for work purposes. 

Although I was assigned to shadow a coworker, I did not want to blur lines between learning the business from the coworker and being friends with the coworker.  There would be personal chats.  I kept it about business, using friendly tones to discuss what the policies and procedures were and how they made sense in the everyday work flow.

It was tempting to listen to gossip about people on the job, but I had to walk away when I heard the gossiping commence.  I did not want the reputation of being a gossip and find my name involved in some office scandal.  One type of gossip that was to be avoided at all costs was gossip about the boss.  I did not want my name to be attached to malicious, ugly words that were meant to belittle the boss.  Even if I sat around and listened, my name could be mentioned along with the gossip.  As most gossip gets back to the person spoken about, the boss would not care if I was the one speaking the gossip or listening to the gossip.  Either way, I would seem like a bad employee. 

My experiment in office friendships ended well.  I learned about the industry and had a great relationship with the boss.  He asked me to return after the assignment was completed.  The coworkers who seemed to be genuinely decent people, I kept in touch with.  After some time, I felt comfortable getting personal with one person.  I found no joy in gossiping about other coworkers, we were busy enjoying the discovery of things we had in common.  We discovered that we both had common life experiences in July, having to do with a sibling, in the same year.  I do not believe that we would have been able to maintain a healthy friendship while working together.  What do you think about workplace friendships?

Natural Hair Problems Confrontation Part II: Don't Talk About My Natural...

I am a star shopper!: Confrontation Part II: Don't Talk About My Natural...: Confrontation Part II Funny how life can be.  You can plan, plan, and plan some more.  That does not mean that your works, your efforts...

Confrontation Part II: Don't Talk About My Natural Hair

Confrontation Part II

Funny how life can be.  You can plan, plan, and plan some more.  That does not mean that your works, your efforts, will eventually lead to a happy ending.  You can work your ass off.  You can study, research, and ask mentors for the right thing to do.  All of that hard work does not necessarily mean that you will see the desired result.

When I planned on confronting a person it did not happen.

Boom.  Nothing.

It felt anticlimactic.  I read about forgiveness, read about communication techniques to engage the respondent, asked people I trust about how to ask questions without sounding like I have already made up my mind in judgement of the respondent.  I did some work about how to tackle a situation so that everyone involved would feel heard and respected.

The person has greeted me with insults.  He said things like “You need to comb your hair” “I’m going to give you some money so you can go to the beauty supply” and “I’m calling the beauty shop to make you an appointment”.  Now, I am quite familiar with capping, ranking, bagging, playing the dozens, and throwing shade.  I grew up in urban San Francisco with a gang load of boys around me who liked to sit around and cap on each other.  Insulting the person, usually beginning with “yo momma” was common.  I have absolutely no problem tossing it back with a “no homie, yo momma…”.  No big deal.  The problem starts when you do not know if you are capping or if you are in a capping situation.  If someone keeps greeting me with some sort of cap, I question that ish.  Does he want to cap?  Does he want to keep a running ass cap every time he sees me?  Like a text thread where you keep adding to it every day.  The backdrop of the caps can occur in my home, my church (!), in a public gathering, in front of mutual friends, in front of his friend but not a friend to me, and other countless places, situations, days. 

From what I can remember, the insults are hurled at me when I am wearing my hair in its natural state.  Wavy, curly, frizzy hair in its natural state.  The way the hair grows out of my scalp.  I’ve always worn my hair natural, before it became called wearing natural hair.  It was just my hair.  I also flat iron my hair, wearing it straight, pin curled, curled with an iron, you name it.  Like I told someone before, I’m versatile like that.  For someone to keep speaking about my natural hair, I want to know the origin of his words.  Are you not liking my natural hair?  Is it a way of expressing what you want to say, which is a critique of my natural hair?  I want to know so I can then let you know.

If it is indeed a cap, well hell, let the capping games begin.  I will let you know why I am a champ.  Don’t get mad when I go in, either.

Natural Hair

Curly, wavy natural hair

Straightened hair

Poufy natural hair

SLAPS Unbagging

Confrontation and Finding My Voice

Confrontation.

Merriam-Webster defines confrontation as “a situation in which people, groups, etc. fight, oppose, or challenge each other in an angry way” (www.Merriam-Webster.com/dictionary/confrontation).   I used to think a confrontation was a negative thing, something that was supposed to be avoided at all costs, something that I did not want to ever do.  The reality is that confrontation is necessary sometimes.  It does not have to be a negative thing.  The experience of confrontation can be therapeutic for the person who confronts another.  It is therapeutic for me.  I am planning to confront someone.

I can remember about five years ago when I was told a truth about myself that no one had ever told me, in the way that it was told to me.  There was a summer revival at my church.  The energetic guest pastor had given us a week long program, each night seemingly more inspiring than the previous.  On the last evening, the pastor took a few minutes to speak individually to everyone in attendance.  There was a huge circle of people in the sanctuary.  I was in the last half of the circle, so I had plenty of time before the pastor made his way to where I stood.  Waiting in the circle, I became impatient.  I joked with the church member next to me.  She is a fellow Aquarian so we get along well, it is a pleasure to see her and speak with her.  We laughed so loud at one point, someone shot us a stern look that made us sober up.  I was reminded that we were waiting to hear a personalized message and that it was a serious matter.  I can be so immature at times.  By the time the pastor stood before me, I felt his disciplined concentration and he emanated spiritual strength.  He looked me in the eyes and told me “You have to find your voice”.  Those words resonated in my spirit.  Energy flowed throughout my body and I felt good about how I would begin the journey to find my voice.

Today, I decided that I would confront a person who has been saying negative words to me.  He has been repeating the same type of words each time I have seen him over the past (at least) seven times.  That is how many times I could count and specific situations I could remember.  There is no way I am going to speak for him and assume that what he is saying is a joke, is in fun, is a friendly put down (we called it capping back in the day), or a mean spirited attack (fighting words…ahh shoot!).  I decided that when I confront him, I am going to use words that allow him the opportunity to explain himself.  Then I will go from there.  The plan is that I am going to confront him with calmness, with firmness, and with an open mind. 

The confrontation is going to help me find my voice.  I have decided that I am not willing to listen to him say these negative words and not know what he means by them.  I have responded in different ways but have not been satisfied with his response and the continuity of the negative words.  I do not like it when a person is saying negative things to me on a regular basis and I do not know what his intention is.  Once I know, I will deal with him accordingly.

I consider it a confrontation.  It is not a discussion, a talk, or a question and answer session.  It feels more like a confrontation.  There is no negative feeling towards him, just an absolute firmness in my need to address his behavior and hopefully get clarity to what he means.  To find my voice and use it.  Confrontation.

SLAPS Unbagging

Making a List, Checking it Twice

I feel better after Wednesday, when I was frustrated at myself for not being able to complete a goal list for the first of the month.  After writing about what I thought was bothering me, I took a hot shower from head to toe, and unblocked my mind.  Before the clock struck midnight, I was able to produce a list.

Sometimes, we have to take a moment and focus on what we are doing.  It sounds so easy to do yet it is a difficult thing to do.  To really sit down in silence.  Unplug the laptop, power down the iPhone, music off, refusal to speak to friends, and even ignoring the carrier pigeon that is pecking on the window. Tap tap.  Tap tap.   Fly away, son.  Some people will keep trying to reach you when you do not immediately answer the text they sent.  They will escalate the methods to reach you.  When you finally respond, asking what the heck (I said something not so PG-13) they want, they say something totally stupid like “I didn’t hear from you so I didn’t know what was up”…with what?...”nothing really”…so why did you blow my phone up?...”chill”…no, you chill.  Power off for real, stink face optional.

To figure out what is bothering me, I sit quietly.  All electronics off, no sounds from anything.  I even bribed the pigeons to put the tapping on hold.

I take deep breaths.  I began to relax with some stretches.  I stretched by looking up to the ceiling, chin up and then looking down, chin to chest.  I then rotated my head slowly to the left and right.  Then a shoulder roll forward, a shoulder roll backward.  I kept going until I had stretched and loosened up my muscles.

I cleared my mind of all thoughts.  The desire was to have no concern about how I would word my feelings, I just wanted to know what the feelings were.  I had confidence that I could take a raw emotion and process it down to a business decision.  Like finding a piece of compressed carbon and polishing it until it is a sparkly, clear diamond.

When I felt ready, I let the feelings come out.  How did  I feel about what I was currently doing, where was it taking me, where did I want it to take me, what was an expected discomfort versus what was toxic on the job.  After the rough draft of my feelings poured out, I had something to work with.

My habit is to counter negative feelings with positive reinforcement.  What I mean by that is when I have something that is making me feel bad, down, tired, or any other negative feeling I like to do something to counter it.  For example, I was experiencing stress from feeling like I was not being heard so I decided to counter that feeling with speaking to colleagues in a support group.  To bounce ideas off of people who do the same work as you does wonders for your feelings.  It gives you clarity, you are not harshly judged because these people deal with the same situations that you do, and you feel lifted up.  You can speak freely and you can speak often.  You can find a shoulder to lean on and you can strengthen yourself for when you will be the shoulder to someone else.

After letting off the steam, I was ready to get myself stronger.  I called a friend that I trust to tell every dirty detail and we had a nice dinner.  She listened and let me speak uninterrupted.  She laughed with me.  She asked questions and provided me with wisdom from her own experiences. 

Needless to say, I am brand new after making my list, relaxing my mind, and speaking to my support group.  I will continue on the road to finding ways to bring myself closer to my goals. There is no way I want to let stress defeat me.  I am encouraged and I hope that I was able to encourage someone else.

Every month on the first, I make a goals list

I am a star shopper!: Making Goals: Did you ever have the kind of day where you question what you are doing?  Where you are going in life, career or personal life? Today was ...

Making Goals

Did you ever have the kind of day where you question what you are doing?  Where you are going in life, career or personal life?

Today was that kind of day for me.  I felt so down, trying to manage my career and find something to focus on as a goal. I could not think of one goal.  On the first of each month, I try to sit down and make a list of goals.  Today, I failed.  There was not one thing I could think of to write down.  It could be that I was too busy to sit down and make the list, or it could be that today just is not the day that I should be thinking of goals.

When I was a small girl, I used to think of all these fabulous scenarios that I would find myself in as a grown up.  Maybe it's because I had Barbie dolls.  Barbie had everything.  She had a camper, an airplane, a kitchen that had a light up microwave and rotisserie with a browned plastic chicken in it.  My Barbie dressed better than me, with her high heeled pumps and pink plaid mini skirt with jacket.  I wore my sister's hand me downs, even though we had different body styles.  I also had rainbow jeans and my favorite graphic tees, but still, Barbie was coordinated where I was just wearing clothes.  There's a difference.  I wanted to be more like Barbie.  She was always smiling.  She worked wherever she wanted, be it as an airline pilot or the flight attendant.  She had sports cars, a faithful boyfriend, and friends that smiled the same frozen plastic grin.  The child that was me would imagine working wherever I wanted and whatever I wanted to be just like Barbie.  Real life would dictate what I was doing and where I was going in my career and personal life.

So I am downshifting gears right now, ending the work day and giving attention to my goals list.  Before I go to sleep, I want to at least start a list.  I do not want to have a day that I give up on myself.  Even if it says "to be continued".

Barbie would never give up.  Hell, that's why she drives a red Corvette.